Flicking the Switch

Spending time with Emma can be uncomfortable. She trusts God in a way which is rare to see. She unquestioningly puts her faith in the words Jesus spoke. And although at times it scares her, she doesn’t hide who she is. She doesn’t pretend. I rarely walk away from Emma feeling unchallenged.

It’s rare to find someone who is so open. What’s more amazing is that Emma’s 45 years have been less than sheltered. At five years old Emma’s dad started selling her to family members in Reading for sex. She was repeatedly bought and sold until she met a man who became her boyfriend and at age 12 she ran away to London with him. Her boyfriend then pimped her out in clubs and bars across the city. Emma ended up working in the sex industry for thirty years until she attended a support group where she began to deal with her issues and got to know Jesus. Although often finding it very painful, Emma is still working through things that have hurt her in the past and is discovering hope.

Working for a London based charity, I meet people who have been abused, bought, trafficked and sold. Sometimes I find it hard to look. I would be lying if I told you that doing my job hasn’t made me question where on earth God is when things like this happen.

There’s a verse I love in the New Testament which describes God as

…the father of compassion and the God of all comfort

The word ‘compassion’ comes from two Latin words: cum, meaning 'with,' and passio, meaning 'to suffer’. To say that God has compassion for us is to say that he suffers with us when we’re in pain. He doesn’t shy away.

Society often suggests that having a hard heart is something to aspire to, that indifference displays inner strength, that being strong and remaining soft are somehow mutually exclusive.

I have to admit that I tend to fall for that one from time to time. I start to believe that if I want to be stronger I must become harder, unaffected. Openness becomes a weakness I must eliminate in order to live a more convenient life.

But hardening our hearts and ignoring what is going on around us and within us is simply the easy option. Let’s be honest, it’s much riskier to put yourself in a place where you may experience pain – whether your own or on behalf of someone else – than to shut yourself off. I find it much easier to stop taking risks and to keep an easy distance from my friend or neighbour who is hurting. If I harden my heart I can switch off my connection to the world as easily as flicking a light switch.

If I had kept my distance from Emma I would never have experienced hope in the unique way she emits it. Sometimes, by shutting ourselves off from pain, we may miss the beauty emerging from the brokenness.

God suffers with us and with the people around us. God is the one who brings light to darkness. We can go forward, even though afraid. We can take those risks or we can hide.

Take the risk or flick the switch. It’s a choice most of us will face time and time again for the rest of our lives.

The good news is that we don’t have to do it alone. Thank God for that.

Bunnies are Boring!

If only life was full of fluffy bunnies and chocolate (no, wait....take that back, life would be boring and fat!).......however it isn't always...

I'll be honest with you - I've got a pretty fab life. I'm part of a close (and arty farty) family who make my drama queen outbursts look like calm conversations about cucumber sandwiches............ I've got some pretty great friends who accept me for who I am and regularly make me feel that it's ok for me to be me.......... I also have really good self esteem and have spent many minutes in front of the mirror checking out my own butt (hehehe) , talking about my butt...( I could go on but I'll salvage what dignity I have and stop)

At seventeen I was more or less untouched by tragedy and bad things only ever happened on the news to other people. I was excited and passionate about God, my life and everything the world had to offer.

Then the poo hit the metaphorical fan.

A car crash, two suicides, several family illnesses, depressed loved ones, political poo, a good helping of loneliness & rejection and one burnt down house later, my attitude had altered slightly. I returned home this summer to realise that I had stopped trusting people and was feeling disillusioned.

The likelihood is that in your life you're gonna face things that will challenge your outlook and tempt you to lose hope. There is a distinct scent of cynicism in British culture today - individually and on a national level. Many people have been through painful experiences and have, somewhat understandably, lost the positive and hopeful attitude they once possessed.

Four months ago I was faced with a choice: continue to fade into the attitude I had acquired or fight it. I did not want to wake up in twenty years time to find nothing but a disillusioned shadow of the passionate person I once was.

So I decided to face my issues and with a lot of help, work through them. I'm not completely there yet - I still find it hard to trust people with whats really going on deep inside but I'm trying...... if you know me, please be patient :) I have however made a lot of progress. I've decided to trust God (and I mean really trust him) again and I've moved on in many ways. Most importantly.......... I'm REALLY HAPPY!! (woop-dee-doo!)

I'm going to be passionate, I'm going to open up to people, I'm going to love myself (maybe a bit too much at times, hehe) and I'm going to eat a darn load of chocolate - oooo yeah!

It's a choice that at some point we all have to face. Make the right one.

Too much time to think

My degree is OVER. O. V. ER. I'm finding it hard to keep myself busy. It's all a little bit unsettling.

I don't like lying to people. I'm not very good at it either. I once cheated on a chemistry homework in school and was so racked with guilt that I owned up to the teacher at the first opportunity. Lying makes me feel guilty, which is why I don't look forward to the dreaded question "How are you?".

Hmm... I'm sure many of us do it - sometimes we reply with a lie. However, I've come up with a GENIUS way to combat this. Over the last few days when asked this question, I've simply replied with "My exams finished today!" or "I'm going to buy a ball dress tomorrow!". The awesome thing is that not one single person has twigged onto the fact that I didn't actually answer their question.

Pure genius. Without the lies :)

There's no such thing as denial

Sitting down with a small (oh lets be honest here - humongous) bar of chocolate to watch an episode of friends is something I do on a regular basis. Friends is the TV show of my generation, and with the endless re-runs on E4, I've probably seen each episode about 16 times. Last week, to my excitement, I flicked on the telly to discover that E4 were airing the last ever episodes. So, as usual, I re-scheduled my week (for those of u who r beggining to think I'm a little sad - that was an exaggeration) and positioned myself on the sofa for an hour of mindless humour.

For those of you who haven't followed Friends for the last ten years, it involves 6 friends (shocker) mainly Ross and Rachel (great name) who have been falling in and out of love since the very beginning.

In the penultimate episode Rachel bids a long emotional fairwell to 4 of the friends as she is leaving for Paris. Ross is bracing himself for his turn to say goodbye but instead she just walks out of the room without so much as a handshake!

Ross, of course, explodes with anger and demands an explanation as to why she didn't say good bye and Rachel bursts into tears explaining that she didn't say goodbye to him, not because she didn't care but because she cared about him more than all the others and it was just too hard!

At this point in the episode I realised that there were big fat tears rolling down my cheeks. Yes, 'Friends' had in fact reduced me to tears (don't laugh!).

I'm leaving Uni in two months and to be honest, I think I'm still in denial. I've got so many good friends there and we've been through so much together: berievement, politics, parties and burning houses! To be honest, it's gonna be harder to say goodbye to some than others. Actually, I'd rather not do it at all!
There's no such thing as denial........ hmm.

Weird but ok

What would you do if you lost everything?

Last Saturday morning ( 8.10am to be precise) I awoke from my half-conscious daze to melodic hum of our fire alarm. Cooked breakfast? At this time?! Then I saw the smoke filtering out from Susie's bedroom. Jumping up, I raced into the adjoining bedroom to see a small blaze in the middle of the room.
"Susie?!"
No answer.
I raced down the stairs screaming at my housemates to get up. Grabbing the fire extinguisher I prayed frantically that I'd be able to use it, reading the instructions as I ran.
What if she dies?
God, please help me use it!
The smoke engulfed me as I ran back into the attic. Breathing in the fumes I noticed that Susie's bed was empty. Discarding the extinguisher I legged it!
At the front door I found my housemates, including Susie - in her bath towel. I promptly burst into tears.

What followed next was four fire engines, drinking cups of tea in borrowed clothes, an ambulance and many good friends who raced round to be moral support.
Sus and I lost everything, our rooms were gutted out. But we were alive.

One week on and things feel strange. I'm in student halls, surrounded by new but unfamiliar possessions. My friends and family have been amazing. I've never felt so much love and support as I did in those first few days after the fire. I love them so much. My faith in God also grew. I can totally notice him looking out for me, in the big and the small.

Tonight is the first time I've felt lonely. The reality of what has happened is slowly beginning to sink in. A hug would be nice. God gives me security and hope, but I wish sometimes he would appear in my room and hug me. I'm being quite positive throughout this and am feelin happy most of the time. Hopefully this will remain and won't become an echo of the last few months in 2003. I went through a particularly hard time which ended in talking to myself, telling me that everything would be ok and I'd get through it. No one else really told me that. It was pretty lonely.

I think I come across as quite a confident, happy, strong person. The truth is I'm weak. But that's where I find my strength. sometimes I want someone to give me a hug and tell me that everything will be ok. That's what I'm looking forward to most in heaven :)

Life is weird right now but in some ways I'm glad it's happened. It's stuff like this that shapes you, and to be honest I feel that I've gained more than I've lost.

Teach - mon 7th march

Today was, in fact, a tiny bit of a nightmare. I turned up at School ( a place I actually love - constantly amused by questions such as 'miss, are you pregnant?! hoho) to teach my usual lessons. Unfortunately was feelin quite exhausted to start with (the several chocci bars eaten before hand probably not helping there!) and the kids....well......weren't.

The poor teacher spent 20 minutes quieting the class before he could actually start the lesson. The lesson itself was presented to a class of kids who walked around, discuse playboy and the fact that Chris's (no idea who he is either) girlfriend was pregnant and generally cheeked the teacher. Then came my turn.

If I'm honest, I love troublesome teenagers. Can't help it. Whilst my friends coo over babies, I get broody over miss behaving thirteen year olds. I know, it's not normal. The school is generally streed at the mo due to the up and coming ofsted inspection. Anyway, I began the lesson on data and frequency charts to a (relatively) quiet class. This didn't last long.
Was almost reduced to tears by one young man who refused to turn around and face the board contantly remarking: "UUhhhh!! I can hear you , I don't have to see you as well!!"
However, there were some highlights. I managed to get several members of the class to copy down the info on the board into their notebooks. May not sound like much but some kids in this class literally just sit there during the lessons and do zero work. To be honest, although very distracted, I don't think they're bad kids. Most respond well to encouragement, which I try to give them at every opportunity.

I was quite relieved to leave at the end of the day. Exhausted. :)